The
Thomas Clone Advertisement
by Raiven
So . . . YOU'RE a Pretender
fan.
Are you dissatisfied with the Third Season of your
favorite show? Do you dislike the way the Powers That Be have distorted the
characters to the point that you just can't recognize them anymore? Annoyed by
Miss Parker getting nicer and Jarod getting meaner? Tired of Miss Parker crying
on Thomas' shoulder as she sinks into the sappy swamp of LOVE?!
Do you wish Jarod really had a chance to express the animosity towards Thomas
that we all know he must be feeling?
Well, secret researchers at our Blue
Cove, Delaware
cloning complex have FINALLY COMPLETED their years
and years of careful, covert GENETIC RESEARCH!! And
have we got the answer for YOU!
Thomas clones! Yes, that's
right! THOMAS CLONES!
Take heart, Pretender fans! All of you who hate the
character Thomas can KILL HIM PERSONALLY, in the comfort of your VERY OWN LIVING
ROOM!! You don't have to wait for the Centre to do it for you!
Order your own TODAY!
Clone comes w/ an assortment of flannel shirts and
carpenter tools. Programmed with hundreds of unoriginal sappy romantic lines!
Looks, talks, and smiles just like a real man! The original Thomas was too
perfect for words...just wait and see what we've done to his DNA to create AN
EVEN MORE PERFECT CLONE!!
Keep him around the house long enough to restore
it, and then, when your anger at the way Season 3 has gone is at its ULTIMATE
PEAK, you can take the personal satisfaction of eliminating him yourself!! Don't like the way the Centre did
it? Then perfect your own method! Relax! There's hundreds of the pesky little
devils. We'll make more in our
hidden Centre Jarod-proof facility!
To be sure you've purchased a genuine Thomas
Clone, look for the special holographic collector's "Made in Blue
Cove" label! (We won't tell you where we've hidden it--it's much more fun
to find it for yourself!) And be sure to look for the special edition TY BEANIE
THOMAS.
Call 1-800-THOMAS for the Clone Shop
Locater! We can help
you find a secret clone depository in your town! Trust us--there is a
Centre Annex in YOUR town. We've infiltrated the whole United States--heck, we
even built an Annex in Antarctica! Don't ask us why--it's CLASSIFIED!
Call and order one today!
See our product in action!
Our phone lines are open now, staffed with agreeable
Thomas clones! Won't you please help us to raise the funds to replace the money
stolen by Jarod to buy 6,000 cases of "Gummiworms?"
THE RESULTS OF ALL THIS:
Mr. Raines is a multi-billionaire and he has hundreds of
expendable identical people to research on that aren't protected under
international human rights laws--his mood improves.
Miss Parker is happy, because now the Centre can kill her
poor boyfriend as many times as they want, but she'll still always have a Thomas
of her very own.
Broots hires one to babysit his daughter and to re-design
that dark, cramped home office of his.
Jarod, meanwhile, gets annoyed w/ all the Thomases
running around (and, besides, human cloning is exploitive) and sabotages
the incomprehensibly complicated machinery with the above-mentioned
"Gummiworms."
Sydney's happy because he has plenty of people to run
experiments on, and they're technically all twins.
Only Mr Lyle is upset, because it turns out that some of
the DNA used in the Thomas Project was Daddy Parker's, and Daddy P., driven
insane by the notion, simply considers them all his sons. Now there's *thousands* of Parkers to carry on the Parker family
tradition.
And they all lived happily ever after . . . or not.
